Sitting here at the very beautiful and Instagramable Jardin Café on the 3rd floor veranda, a bit cloudy but temperature at 25 deg. It should be an idyllic and beautiful way to spend a Saturday. But I have a heavy heart. I wanted to get out this weekend. It’s a year to the day Ting left us, and tonight at around 10:30pm Sg time, I think I will feel a serious tinge of sadness while downing a beer in a sports bar somewhere here in Bandung.
It’s hard to put into words what I have felt in the past year. I don’t know where to begin. Maybe it’s better from the start of it all … Early October 2017. I was going to meet Marcus for a midweek drink before I fly to Dubai for a week to bunk with Mike. Got a text message from Marcus to cancel. He said Ting had fainted suddenly, so they sent her to the hospital just out of precaution. He asked me not to worry, and that we’ll catch up when I get back from Dubai. I asked what the preliminary prognosis was, and he said it was low blood count. They are doing some more test and its inconclusive. I asked him to keep me posted but my heart started racing … yes, it could be a bad infection or virus that causes the immunity to go down, but we’ve all heard this before. I was definitely worried.
Fast forward a few days later, the Sunday I was to fly to Dubai. I’d just finished meeting a candidate at the airport and checked into my flight. I texted Marcus to ask him for any news on Ting. I got the reply, more than 8 hours later when I landed in Dubai. My heart sank when I read his message that Ting has leukaemia. Exactly what I had dreaded. Fortunately, or otherwise, the doctors said there is a 70% plus chance of recovery, but she needed to start chemo immediately. I asked him how he is holding up … he had switched into survival mode, brain went into overdrive and figuring out whatever he can to make sure Ting gets through his ordeal. Very little time in between, but when he did, he admitted he was really sad.
Marcus didn’t want to let me know as he wanted me to enjoy my vacation. I can see her when I get back and he told me not to worry. I had half a mind of flying straight back to see my goddaughter immediately, and I guessed Marcus knew it, and he tried to set my mind at ease. On hindsight, I should’ve tried to come back immediately, for I’d not have the chance to see her awake again.
The 8 days in Dubai was spent with a heavy heart. I guess I didn’t make good company for Mike, but then the good thing was he had to work during office hours, and I am left mostly to my own devices to go around and explore Dubai. I’d say it was an interesting trip, and I would’ve enjoyed it a little more if not for my mind being back home.
Truth be told, I have not been much of a godfather to both Ning and Ting of late. They’ve entered their teenage years. School life is ultra busy for kids these days. I keep in touch a lot through what Marcus tells me about them, but I hardly see them, as they haven’t had the time, and I admittedly didn’t make as much of an effort. I justified that I am less needed at this stage of their lives, they were no longer the young little girls who would run and jump on me to lift them high up whenever they see me. My premise was always Marcus.
A lot of regret starts filling my heart that I should’ve been around more. My mind flashed back to when I last saw Ting, at Bishan Junction 8, back in April 2017, when Marcus and I were booking cheap fares to Penang at a travel fair. Ting had followed Marcus to the fair before she headed off for a school camp. She could’ve gone off straight herself once they arrived, but she stayed for just enough to wait for me to arrive, to say hi to me. That was the last time I ever saw her, and held the shoulders of this grown 15 year old kid I watched grow up, who called me godpa.
Fast forward to when I got back from Dubai, 3rd week of October. Ting has gone through a round of chemo. I visited a few times, but she was always asleep, and in and out of ICU. A few rounds of chemo did not seem to have the desired effect. Marcus updated me on everything and I did my best to be there, be present, but there was nothing I could do. So helpless, I felt. Felicia had no words for me. She could only cry on my shoulders when she saw me.
Then came the bombshell in early November. Marcus told me the doctors could not be blamed, but more test showed that Ting’s leukaemia was actually a very rare form. No known treatment. They couldn’t have known based on the early signs. Marcus was devastated, but he knew he needed to keep a calm and strong mind, as he needed to be strong for his family and for Ting. It was really sad seeing Marcus this way. Never have I seen him like this.
They decided to pursue and aggressive form of chemo as the best option. However, complications abound, and they could not complete the treatment fully, as infection started taking over everywhere. We needed to inject white blood cells from suitable donners. Marcus managed to get a few. I managed to get my friend Alvin, who was a match, to donate to Ting. (Alvin, for your selflessness and help in this tough situation, I’d be forever grateful. You didn’t hesitate. You’re are good man, my friend).
The white blood cells donated did keep the infection at bay, temporarily. She woke up on her birthday, 14th Nov. Marcus told me she read a little of a book she had wanted, and asked me to come over to see her. I rushed over. When I got there, she had fallen back to sleep in ICU. She would never wake up again.
The infection took over and ultimately took her away. The days leading up to it, I just saw Marcus sink deeper and deeper into despair. It was hard to watch. I teared up a few times when I left KK Hospital in my uber ride. Not sure if the drivers freaked out. I was sad for my god daughter, very sad for Marcus and Felicia. I wondered how Ning was coping with the potential loss of her darling sister.
So, one year ago today, I was at the hospital seeing Ting for the last time. Marcus told me she wasn’t going to make it through the night. It was just heart breaking. I didn’t have any words for Marcus at the time. What could I have said? I was not sure how to feel. Devastated by the potential loss, for Marcus, for me being a lousy ass godpa … But one thing was for sure … I never even got a chance to say goodbye.
I left the hospital in the evening … got home and slumped onto bed and stared at the TV … flicking channels but not watching anything. Around 10:30pm. Marcus called. I knew … ‘Bro, she’s gone …’.
The funeral the next day was a simple affair at Mandai with only family involved. I stood beside Marcus as Ting made her last ‘journey’ … tears welled up in my eyes. Marcus kept control. Before leaving, I told Marcus that he’d better not blame himself. I know he made the best decisions possible under those circumstances. He is not to blame. But I know those words would ring empty to a man who was inconsolable at that juncture. Every decision accelerated her to the end. It would have destroyed a lot of lesser man.
I wonder who Marcus had to cry to. He had to stay strong for the family. Its not an easy choice for him to let himself drown in sadness. On the other hand, I was fortunate enough that I had Andy and Mandy. I went over for a beer after the funeral. Fortunately the kids have gone to bed. Sitting on the sofa, I burst into tears like I have never done before. Cried like a baby, and Mandy held me like one, and as I write this, tears a welling up in my eyes again, like it is every time I think of Ting over the past year, every time I think of how sad my friend is, and that there is nothing I can do.
I know for a fact Marcus and Felicia are still taking their time to put this behind them. You can’t recover from something like this, you never do. You can never move on. Anyone who says you move on from something like this is just a joke. What do you is that you learn to cope. Time will heal all wounds, they say. Some wounds just take more time. Its still very raw after a year. Hopefully it gets better from here.
It’s a strange feeling for me. Sitting outside looking in. I’m sad. I feel for my friend. I feel the loss of Ting. Ting had a bright future ahead of her. She was gifted. No effort needed academically, talented and laid back … pragmatic. She had a lot of options in front of her for sure. But all that is moot now. We have to live for the living, says wise man Andy, and I agree.
I think for me, there is nothing wrong with feeling the tinge of sadness. I’m human. I feel the loss and I feel for my dear friend and his loss. I’ve not talked much to anyone save a few really close friends. This is me just letting it out in my own way. I need to also let this out, and cope for the future.
For you, Ting, my dearest departed goddaughter. I may not have been the best godpa for you, but I do love you and you are missed.
Will remember you always.
Living In And Around Happy Street 